Well, this will be more of a retrospective journal as 2013 was a really important year for me.
From what I remember of the very first moments of 2013 I was surprised. Being so scared as how I am I was afraid with the whole 2012 deal and really never saw myself older than 16.... I remember that in 2008 I just graduated from elementary school and the next big step was high school. I heard of the prophecy and well I got scared. I was just 12 and I just well got better after a big deal I had, a psychosis you could call it that was really unhealthy and depressive that didn't let me live at all. So, I was ready to die in 4 years and I didn't mind....when I was a child, younger than that, like perhaps 9 I was watching a cartoon and suddenly started to divague about the eternity....being catholic I grew up with the idea of a heaven and I wanted to be good...I was naive and a good kid with good grades and never used filthy vocabulary at all and didn't stick with the rest of kids that caused riots and didn't care for others and thus I was happy for the idea of a heaven but then out of nowhere I started to cry and felt afraid of the idea of a boring eternity. I grew up alone after all and I suffered greatly from the loneliness as everyone in my house was busy and I didn't have any friend..the one I called friend was a douche that used my friendship in a way...in a term he WAS a friend, but a very bad friend and couldn't see him anyways a lot, just at school and all....so thinking of that kind of eternity made me cry so much just out of nowhere and I crawled to my mom, hugging her to feel calm.
As I grew up in the outside and in the inside as well...met new people and so...learned to use the internet and also made internet friends and real friends I learned a lot but at a point the part of the unhappiness reached a point about feeling alone and well I always liked the idea of being in love and being loved back and I wanted to be loved before I died, to experience it....it didn't come true, however, but when the time reached its peak and was near the infamous 21th of december I stopped to cry over it for a moment and well try to hope God would listen to my petition and we could keep on living...even though the whole existencial crisis I had as a kid I wanted my deared ones to keep on living but I was OK with ending my existance. When I reached high school I had very low self steem due to many things that happened so ending a pathetic existance no one would miss wouldn't be such a big deal but I wanted the ones I know to well...live on...at the end it was a surprise we didn't die after all and felt grateful...I really wanted to graduate and I saw it as a shame I would be unable to if the world stopped to be in 2012..but then 2013 came!
In january, in vacations not a lot happened...I was alone as always and everyone else was enjoying at the beach at so but I got used to it...not to mention I was 16 and not a kid anymore and I suppose feeling like that at that age wasn't really well seen..however, it still made me sad sometimes. At the time I had a huge crush on a friend online and the times we talked made me happy, at least.
February came and I entered high school as a senior student with a different uniform. One of my friends in real life was my classmate again and it was really nice. The system changed drastically and we all complained....due to my depressions, my grades fell down a bit and I felt really dissapointed at myself. The grades were OK but not as good as always but I still kept trying. In my house things were the same, but surprise happened when my godfather that is also my oldest cousin got married again. We were worried as it would be like the last one that just plain used him but so far things seems good for him. He would get fired soon, though as the factory he works is closing because it was bought my another company so I really hope he finds a better job...he didn't finish high school so there are not a lot of open doors for him, sadly.
At a point I kept with that crush on this friend and I tought it was responsive but later on I realized it was more of playing but it was my fault, as she told me she didn't want something so serious and what was offered wasn't what I wanted as I imagined something more...real and responsive and I understand. Even though I felt bad it helped me to grow up as a person a lot and even after all the sadness and so on how it ended, how this girl got so depressed about her life she just wanted to forget it all and even forget me as a friend it taught me a lot and hoped she was doing well. Meanwhile, in real life my grandma got really sick, more than ever. She's really old and have a lot of health problems and her poor heart was really fragile so I tried to be with her as she was the only one that always protected me and gave me love in real life but she's fine now, gladly.
In my internet life I met new friends and came to many realizations. First of all I slowly lost the desire to die, the desire to just end life. I would never kill myself but still I didn't saw the reason whY I was alive after all. I seek help but can't have a lot due to my condition. More problems happened as my family isn't a real family but at least at my house we try to be together. But not just problems and my grandma's condition but also outside. The ones near my house that most live with smoking and druggind themsleves just got worse to a degree they started to throw rocks at some houses, including mine and I felt that as I feared who would stop them to get a gun and kill me or someone else for fun? And about death..as the people in my urbanization are really old I've heard a lot of deaths going around and made me pretty depressed and hopeless and not just that, but friends online were having suicidal tendencies and family members of theirs died as well...so death was around me and made me feel miserable mostly because I always felt I'm a black cat and bring misfortune to the ones I care about..but my friends in real life never seem to have any problem..but they don't share things with me and are more in the good times and never in the bad times and was proven this year of that...but still I helped them in the little problems they could share.
In this same year I could talk more to my father that I rarely could talk with and could see him on my birthday, which was really sweet....normally he never comes to my birhtdays and gives my mom the money for the gift or the gift itself but he can't really assist...even though I only saw him for 5 minutes and had to rush from where I was I hugged him and in the time I hugged him it made me feel as an eternity and I didn't want it to end...but sadly he had to go bt I could see him. With all honesty I never liked my birthday as most people don't care so much about it but was a surprise to see the big 17 and made me appreciate life a bit more..made me believe that I'm here for a reason.
Back at school, it was a mess. As it was our last year everyone got drunk at the parties and even some had sex, got completely wasted and saw visions and even two girls gave one of my classmates a haldjob or a blowjob..not to mention one of my classmates on the C section got expelled for bringing weed brownies to school. I didn't assist, however because they didn't pick me up. I was awake for hours and they decided to not pick me up for some reason but as I believe, things happen for a reason and at the end something good happened, not to mention I was safe.
Time passed and I was surprised that I was invited finally in some activities...sure, another douche of a friend thinking it was funny always mentioned me that he hangs out with me when he doesn't have anything to do, and called me a plan B and it hurt a bit and also that as how popular he is telling me directly that the reason I don't have so much friends is because I'm tall and a bit strong, the kind I would supposedly kill a bull with my thumb and people didn't talk to me because of that.. and another friend mentioned it, too...and I felt depressed about it but at the same time he told me that he's glad to know me...the other douche friend is a good friend, kind of but we stopped talking because I needed a rest of him..even though he's a good kid or used to..some things didn't seem right but life's is like that.
Also, I had the chance to go to the US, to Orlando, Florida and how ironic that my father paid a bit for it and his name is Orlando. Well...I couldn't really contact in real life with any friend I knew there, not even a certain someone that lives nearby as she had school and so and my mom yelled at me a lot but I decide to forget the bad moments that was most of the trip, haha, but there were some good times we shared and that's more valuable...it made me learn to forget and forgive even more than before and I appreciate that.
Almost finishing my scholar life, due to my depression that was being noticed by the school teachers and so I had to go to therapy of magnents that relaxed me...my friends tought I was high due to how I acted but I was feeling happy. There I could even sleep a bit because I couldn't sleep well due to nervious and depression so barely could make it 4 hours a day or so. Not jus that but well some internet friends had problems and I felt bad of leaving so I stayed to talk to them..but of course when I saw it was 3 a,m it was my limit as I had school at 7 a.m and had to wake up early...not to mention perhaps a test or exam...but well, the teraphuy ended as the woman in charge of it had some problems and other clients in the way and I freaked out a bit as it was helping me and stopping it made me had a bit of a panic attack...at a poit I felt so depressed my chest hurt a lot and couldn't even express emotions...all I felt was grief, sorrow and it was hard for me to think of something else but I learned due to it to first know what's important right now and love myself...gradually I could finally be OK with being me and being around me. I still think I'm weird and not everyone wants to hang out with me but I appreciate a lot the ones who supported me and stayed for all this time with me...you guys, and you know who you are, have a lot of patience it's amazing. I just hope that as much you guys helped me I helped you as well.
Finally graduation came and I felt happy when I got my diploma...and the principal even told me "From everyone here, you are the one I feel proud the most by giving you this today, congratulations"
So, I started to have a realization and perhaps people appreciate me a bit more than I tought they did and it was good....I like always took long strolls outside to reflex and think and could appreciate more life. Not just that but some surprises. Like well for the people I know in real life, my other cousin got his license, my grandma was OK after all and my mom might retire this year and finally rest after so much...friends in real life as they never tell me personal matters I at least am glad for what I know about them and what they got, that are mostly material stuff but it makes them happy and hey, it makes me happy to know they are happy....and that they hang out with me more...sure, I'm never that one friend someone thinks of to be with and more of a plan b but it's way better than before...
Also, I could talk to my old childhood friend after years and years and could talk to this girl I had a huge crush again and we are OK with one another. I don't love her anymore, though but I'm glad we are OK and speaking of it I learned that the thing of being with someone romantically wasn't so important. I wasn't ready at that time and thus it was the best what happened and first i had to love myself....and could finally after since as long as I remember...funny that since I was 5 I hated my face but nwo i'm OK with seeing it...I still wish I could wear a mask 24/7 but not to hide my "sorry" face anymore but just because I like masks. But anyways, I could finally well accept myself and perhaps others would start to and not see me in real life as a "Frankenstein", a horrendous and dnagerous person but as another human being with feelings and could meet more people in real life. I got in a group at my church and the people are truly nice there...don't have a friend there but we all talk and have a nice time and I wish I could live that more often now without being judged like on my highschool and elementary years...well on kinder, too but that's another deal. but anyways, about the love subject I decided that if it happends happends and if it not, it's OK. As much as I love other living creature's company I like my company, too...from the very beginning I was my own imaginary friend...I don't remember having one and when I was 10 I tried to create one to be normal but I always talked to myself like if I talked to my friend as I didn't have any...those chilhood friends moved and couldn't see them, just in case someone thinks it's a contradiction but I'm glad one lives next to me and the other I could talk to again and she lives nearby as well...she lived even closer but eh, she's like in the other street anyways and I have legs after all and hope they work for a long long time... and to culminate the love topic, as I'm finally OK with whatever happends who knows? Sometimes when you stop looking at something it appears and as I feel OK now perhaps thigns could be done in general as well and well...if a little someone does like me out there..just hope I don't bother you with how I am cuz you probably know me and my weirdness and I truly don't want to annoy anyone, haha...
As for the internet friends? Well...I'm glad their lives improved and later on they seem happier...they went throught a lot and made me really sad as I coudn't help them as much as I wanted but they could overcome it...and I could see some old internet pals again and they seem better than ever, gladly. I know that I'm perhaps the only person I know who might believe in God as one and I respect other's believes, I truly do but I don't know if it's meaningful for someone but I really ask Him to well protect you all and help you and so far those petitions were fulfilled in a way....it's funny because when I ask for me it never comes true and perhaps I can't pray on myself but I do pray for others...and I don't know if it would be caring of someone, if this would mean something for someone but I am truly glad those petitions were heard for you all and the ones in real life as well and hope this 2014 is filled with blessings and good things...life is beautiful as we don't know what to expect but all happends for a reason...even the painful moments like the ones I lived that are nothing compared to others, I know but still any kind of pain at the end if we just keep going and don't give up good things happen and make us wiser, stronger and makes up appreciate this gift of being alive that as what I believe it's not a right but a priviledge and I believe we are all here for a reason and every life is beautiful, a truly beautiful gift and 'm glad that you share it with me and I could share some with you...every living creature is precious in a way and all good and bad things teaches us a lot and life becomes better so I hope we all keep fighting for what we love, for what we want.
Thank you CIA, Dupe, AG, Candise, Dayne, Suwako, Kyle, nee chan, Courtney, Brooke, Stormy, X, Klo, Crossing dreamer, Luna, Silver...Scoots, Pinks, BS, Sarah, Mai, Glam, Renacer and Equnox...and the ones that are new friends but have helped me like Night, Sophia, SouL, maggie..well most of my friends in my "DA friends" list and the ones I actually talk in Skype....I'm sorry if I skipped a name but you probably know I'm also talking about you, as you guys know, like Yume and the others
you guys are all amazing and can't believe you could tand me all this time and who knows for how long but I love you all greatly....also the ones I know in real life that won't read this as they don'tn have a Deviantart nor anything but in many ocations I had the chance to tell them I care for them as well and if someone I know in real life is actually reading this.....stop snoopin around, fo' :V you already know I luvs ya, don't be greedy.
I also thank my family...at least the members of it that helped me and I just hope we can be all together like we once were one day.....but in the meantime I'll see you around if you pay a visit....again I don't believe someone from my family would read this but I clean my hands anyways, haha.
In resume....I really apprecaite 2013 for teaching me so much and made me such a better man with more self love and well more wisdom. I hope to keep my promises for myself and for others and do even more than before and sorry you have to read this, I know...this 2013 ffor me probably wasn't such a big deal as no one in my family or a direct friend died or I didn't get hospitalized or assaulted ( I once got shot twice but shh that wasn't on 2013, was before and it's a story for another time) or made it to a tournament..although I really went well in the spelling bee (got second place) so yeah...I apologize it isn't as exiting as others
But I'm still glad to wel talk about it..I've seen really funny, crazy and sad things in my life but this year I felt it was more to help me heal, and the others served for another purpose once again will be for another time...not that anyone would want to know, Ace's life isn't that adrenaline filled but...bleh
Almost forgot! I approved the admission test for college and can study what I want! yey! and the University HQ is near my house so I don't have to go to San Jose and take a ton of buses at 3 a.m and get mugged, yey! and I couldn't pass the graphic design exam but...I'll keep trying! So i suppose it's all I can recall right now...probably there's something more but if any I'll add it here. Have a great 2014 everybody, and see you later.